My brother-in-law is 25 but he’s only been an adult for maybe a year. In that time he’s learned that cooking is cheaper and healthier than a McDonald’s drive-thru and he is finally taking his education seriously. Since shifting his priorities, everything seems to be coming together for him. So my husband and I were understandably excited to meet his new girlfriend. After a string of unhealthy relationships, we looked forward to seeing his new goal-oriented attitude applied to the dating world.
We arrived and there was no girlfriend. My brother-in-law quickly explained. “She couldn’t come because she got in trouble for staying out too late with me.”
It didn’t strike me as odd that his girlfriend still lives at home. This is Hawaii after all. Everything is nearby but expensive so families often share space to cut costs. But I decided to make a joke of it anyway.
“Her dad still grounds her? What is she, like 15?”
“18,” he said. And the best part? I have another brother-in-law who is 18 and their girlfriends were classmates.
This is a problem. Not the relationship itself; they chose to steer a sinking ship when they entered into such a ridiculous arrangement. It’s this pattern, this trend of maturity-delayed males who don’t arrive at the cusp of adulthood until their mid-20s who then can only find like-minded females among recent high school graduates.
Why do they do it? Let’s examine the impressions an 18 year old female and a 25 year old female might have upon meeting my brother-in-law.
He says, “I’m 25 and I’ll have my associate’s degree next year.”
The 18 year old is stoked that an older guy is paying any attention to her at all, especially after those lame teenage boys ignored her all through high school. She may not know the difference between an associate’s degree and a bachelor’s degree, but he used the word ‘degree’ didn’t he?
The 25 year old knows that not everyone takes the fast track through college but wonders how he has been spending the last 7 years. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker but he should have an explanation for the gap, whether it was due to world travel or a prolonged rebellious phase. Whatever the reason, he should have gained some valuable knowledge or experience and should display true commitment to his current goals.
Clearly to pursue a woman his own age he has his work cut out for him, whereas the barely legal 18 year old is much easier to impress. That was the case with my brother. At 24 he was a certified teacher but still had never kissed a girl. He met an 18 year old fresh out of high school and by the end of the summer they were making wedding plans. He took the easy way out and a year later she took the easy way out of their sham marriage.
This is not bitterness speaking. It’s just honestly frustrating to witness these mismatched unions after we are told, nay, commanded to live as the kind of person we want to marry. After we expend so much energy refining our minds, our bodies, and our souls, why do so many guys pick the blank slate?
6 comments:
I have never met an 18 year old girl that impressed me enough to want to date her. I'm not saying such a thing is impossible -- it's just too ridiculous of a concept to even consider.
It's not like guys are any better. Louis CK has said that if you're 18, you've never done anything for another person in your life. You've just been sitting around sucking up all the resources and wasted love of everyone around you. Anyway, the only reason 25-year-old guys even have a chance with 18-year-olds is because young girls hate dealing with guys their own age. Also, my dad was 25 when he met my then-18-year-old mom. Maybe it does work sometimes.
Ohhhhh, man. "After we expend so much energy refining our minds, our bodies, and our souls, why do so many guys pick the blank slate?"
AMEN. Amen, amen, and amen, Wendy!!! I have struggled with this a lot recently. Here I am, 29, working on a master's degree, successful in my career, starting a side career in consulting, up to my ears making the most of my talents and opportunities. I'm far from perfect, but I'm working hard to live up to the blessings I've been given - and I look around so disappointed in the dating options around me! There are precious few men out there as options - and far too many man-boys who don't have their acts together. It's so disheartening, because I've hit the point where I just wonder what I'm supposed to do? Date the on-the-ball ones who are way younger? Date the 40ish guys? There's baggage either way.
I just hope and trust that there's a winner out there somewhere, but meanwhile, I'm not about to stop pursuing my hopes and dreams and talents. Anyone worth eternity will appreciate that, not be intimidated by it.
@ Christa I love what you said: "Anyone worth eternity will appreciate that, not be intimidated by it." I think a lot of guys figure they can date the opposite of what they want to marry and then magically become "ready" and look for a person of substance but when you're in the habit of dating teenagers, that's probably what you'll end up with.
@ Jacob it's more that at times we can hate dealing with any guys for any reason without provocation.
I'm so torn on the issue of dating young. I recently found out that some of the marriages I admire the most happened to a few women when they were 18 and have now been married 30+ years. I still think that you have so much learning and growing to do when you are 18, but I guess some women are just ready early on and maybe mature beyond their years. So, even though they haven't done much refining, that is a journey they get to take with their spouse. I don't know. Hard topic.
My brother who is in his mid thirties is about to marry a girl in her early twenties. At first it made me really nervous. I've been scared for her that one day she'll wake up and realize she missed out on a great time in her life. Then, as I've watched the relationship, the changes in my brother are unbelievable. She is exactly what he needs. He is more motivated and "on the ball" then anyone has ever seen him. I guess love has no age limit. It still makes me nervous because even though she may be awesome for him, will he be what she needs? I guess only time will tell. They seem happy, so the only thing I can do is be happy for them.
Girls my brother's own age made him feel bad about himself. They acted like he should be further along in his career or in life. They completely failed to see the potential in him. Then, he met this girl who loves him for who he is and encourages him - he's never been happier.
When I was 18, 19, 20, I dated some older guys. While I'm glad it didn't work out with any of them, it taught me a lot of really great lessons. I hope they learned something from it as well. And who knows, maybe it led them to someone their own age that didn't have a "blank slate" :)
After all that being said, I would never advise an 18 year old to get married. I do think women should grow and learn before they are serious about someone. I got married when I was 24 and sometimes I think that was still too young.
I definitely think that men should open their eyes to the intelligent, successful, beautiful women around them.
Sorry for rambling. It's a topic so close to home because of my brother getting engaged to a super young girl. To be honest though, he's had a pretty rough life, so I'm just glad he found someone that's nice to him.
@ Tracy I can totally relate. My mid-30s divorced brother is seriously a girl in her early 20s but somehow the age difference isn't a big deal because they are both done with school and he's FINALLY starting to see the need in having a career. From what everyone has told me (I haven't met her yet) they are a very good match.
As far as 18 year olds go, I know there are lots of successful examples from previous generations. I guess I've never met one today who is mature for her age (even though the guy always professes her to be). Usually they just want to get out of their parents' house or they are in possession of a leash which they will wrap around a man's balls.
I totally agree. The 18 year olds I know don't seem at all ready for anything serious :)
I really hope my brother is making the right decision. The age gap makes me nervous, but I'll get over it.
Great post you wrote. I really enjoyed reading it. It got me thinking :)
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